by: Gary Wolfe (Junior Warden, Long Pine Lodge No. 136, Long Pine, NE)

A man had just returned from an extended business trip
and was feeling very amorous and wanting time alone with his wife.
They convinced the older children to go to the movies.
However, little Bobby refused to go along.
Finally, Dad hit upon something to keep Bobby busy.
He told Bobby that he would pay him $5.00 for every red hat that went by.
Nevertheless, he had to sit on the curb to count the hats
and that he would check on Bobby after awhile.
After a short while Bobby ran into the house
and began knocking on his parents bedroom door and began yelling:
"DAD IF YOU THINK YOU’ RE BEING SCREWED IN THERE
YOU OUGHT TO COME OUTSIDE!
THERE IS A SHRINER'S CONVENTION GOING BY!"

 

The case with the silk stockings

Bro John and Bro Mike are getting dressed and ready for a lodge meeting.
When John takes his, apron out of the case,
Mike notices a pair of silk stockings unrolling and hanging out of the case.
Mike asks: "I say, John, what is this with the ladies stuff?"
John gives a quick look and whispers:
"You remember the installation meeting last year?"
Mike acknowledges and John goes on:
"Keep it a secret, but on the way home I stopped at the pub where I met this lovely female.
Apparently, she lost her stockings in my car, and my wife found them.
I told her I was passed to a higher degree,
and ever since she takes them out of the case
washes them and puts them back in with my gloves!"

 

The Lodge Above

Pat & Bill had been Lodge Brothers for many years.
They had promised each other long ago that the first to go to the Grand Lodge above
would return to tell the other whether there really were Lodges in Heaven and what they were like.
By and by, it happened that Bill went first.
One day shortly after, Pat was working in his garden when he heard a whispered voice,
" Pssst Pat!" He looked around but saw nothing.
A few moments later he heard, now quite clearly " Pat! Its me, Bill!"
"Bill" Pat exclaimed, " are you in Heaven?"
" Indeed I am " said Bill.
Pat paused for a while to get over the shock and then said
" Well, Bill, are there Lodges up there in Heaven?"
"There certainly are, Pat. There are Lodges all over and they are quite magnificent,
equal or better to Great Queen Street. The meetings are well attended,
the ritual is word perfect, the festive board fantastic and the spirit of Masonic Fellowship is all pervasive."
" My goodness, Bill," said Pat, " It certainly sounds very impressive but for all that you seem rather sad.
Tell me old friend, what is the matter."
" Well, Pat, you are right. I have some good news and some bad."
" OK, What's the good news?"
" The good news is that we are doing a 3rd this coming Wednesday"
"Great" said Pat.
" What is the bad news then?"
" You are the Senior Deacon! "

 

WHAT SHALL WE DO WITH THE BODY?

A story that made the rounds a few years ago as "gospel truth"
involved a Brother on a hunting trip in the wild of Maine.
Day after day of his vacation was eaten up without a deer.
On the last day, as he was about to give up in desperation
he heard a crashing in the woods: saw a glimpse of brown and fired.
Silence!
Rushing over to where he fired, he found that he had killed a bull moose
, which is protected from hunters to save it from extinction.
As he stood there staring at the dead moose, a Game Warden stepped out into the clearing.
Our brother found his hands involuntarily raised in a certain position,
"What shall we do with the body?"
"Dress it out, you damn fool," said the Warden, " and make your escape"

 

DO-GOODERS!
by: Thurman D. Bevlin P.M. (Secretary of Turkey Creek Lodge No. 248 F. & A.M.,Turkey Creek, FL)

There is the incident of the Irish cop who stopped a car full of Shriners for speeding.
When he was that, they were wearing fezes he said,
"Oh! Your Shriners are you. Then I will let you off this time because they do a lot of good.
BUT if you were Masons I’d run you all in."

 

by: LARS HOLSTAD (St.Andrew Lodge St. Eystein Trondheim, NORWAY)

- I found this text on a cup in a lodge in Ireland:
"OLD MASONS NEVER DIE, BUT YOU’LL HAVE TO JOIN TO FIND OUT WHY"

 

by: piper@msn.com

A fella was being hanged for horse thieving in the old west.

As he was placed on the gallows, the hangman asked if he had any last words.
The fella said "yes, I just want to say that this whole thing is a Masonic conspiracy."
"The man who owns the horse is a Mason, and the Sheriff and most of the Posse were masons."
"The Judge is a Mason, and so were both of the attorneys."
"And I know I saw Masonic pins on the lapels of most of the jury."

"Ridiculous" said the hangman, "you were caught and convicted, fair and square....
Now; step off with your left foot by one upright regular step...

 

by: khunakii@ix.netcom.com

You might wish to give your newly installed Master,
at the time the gavel is turned over to him,
a little card to let him know what the gavel is for.

A Gavel is a Mallet for Making Members More Mannerly
when they are Muttering, Mumbling, Murmuring and Munching
while the Master is Mentioning Memorable Matters to the Membership."

 

by: khunakii@ix.netcom.com

>>>WILL A SECRETARY GO TO HEAVEN ???<<<

If a Secretary writes a letter, it is too long.
If he sends a postal, it is too short.
If he does not send a notice, he is lazy.
If he attends a committee meeting, he is butting in.
if he stays away, he is a shirker.
If he duns the members for dues, he is insulting.
If he fails to collect the dues, he is slipping.
If he asks for advice, he is incompetent.
If he does not, he is bull-headed.
If he writes his reports complete, they are too long.
If he condenses them, they are incomplete.
If he talks on a subject in Lodge, he is trying to run things.
If he remains quiet, he has lost interest in the meeting.
>.........Ashes to Ashes............. >.........Dust to Dust............... >
>.........If others will not do it---- >.........The Secretary must!!!!!

 

by: hwerle@domeprint.com

"Three Jewish men sitting is a Pub with a Lodge on the upper floors.
While enjoying their evening, they kept seeing men in Tuxedos walking up the stairs.
Naturally puzzled, one said, "I’ m going to see what they are doing",
so he proceeded to sneak up the back stairs.
Later on the other two were wondering what happened to their friend.
Just then, he comes running down the stairs and up to his friends in a panic yelling:
"lets get out of here!"
His friends ask why? And he proceeds to tell them that everything was fine
till he saw them hit this guy in the head wrap him in a blanket
and he said "that was bad enough...
but then they started saying they were looking for the Jew below"...

 

by: visioncare@mail.is-1.net.au

The local doctor was called to the house of the Senior Deacon whose wife was seriously ill.
"Please doctor, save her," cried the Deacon.
"I will pay anything, even if I have to sell everything I own."
"But what if I cannot save her?" asked the doctor shrewdly.
"I will pay you whether you cure her or kill her!" cried the Deacon.
A week later the poor woman died. The doctor sent the Deacon a huge bill.
The Deacon suggested they went to the Grand Lodge and let the Grand Secretary
arbitrate and they would both be bound by the decision. This was agreed.
The Grand Secretary who knew the doctors reputation asked, "What was the agreement?"
"He agreed to pay me for treating his wife whether I cured her or killed her"
"And did you cure her?"
"No."
"Did you kill her?"
"Certainly not!" replied the doctor.
Said the Grand Secretary, "Under what contract are you claiming your fees?"

 

by: piper@msn.com

Question: How many masons does it take to screw-in a light bulb?

Answer: I cannot tell you. It is a secret!

 

Masonic Brew...

It was a humid, hot summer night in an Irish lodge in the Far East
and the air-conditioner in the temple had broken down.
After sweating their way through part of the ritual,
the WM addressed the new candidate, asking him what he most desired.
"A beer...." gasped the candidate.
"Light! light!" whispered the conductor franticly into his ear.
"Oh yes....", exclaimed the candidate. "A lite beer!"